Listening is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do
Everyone wants to express their opinion. Everyone wants to get their views across. We want to be heard and valued and noticed. All of this is perfectly natural.
What has become less natural is to listen. To really listen. It is incredibly difficult to listen well to someone else.
There are two broad reasons why all of us struggle with listening. One is, of course, our innate selfishness. We often find ourselves in conversations where we are always mentally thinking of what we can contribute next rather than properly listening to what the other person is saying. We might nod out of politeness but not really be mentally engaged. The second big reason is that we are often distracted by other things. I am sure I’m not the only one who has been browsing emails or social media when someone has been speaking to me!
Good listening, where we are focussed and truly hear what the other person is trying to say to us, is one of the most difficult skills any of us can learn to do. And it is one of the most important as well.
To listen well to someone, you need to come into that conversation with the right attitude. You want to be helpful and encouraging. You want what is best for the other person, putting your own needs in a second place. It is an important way that we can love our neighbour as ourselves, which is the second greatest commandment in the law according to Jesus.
When I was learning counselling skills at theological college, we were given a task in pairs. One person needed to talk, explaining a situation either fictional or real in some detail. The other person could only listen, make encouraging sounds, and ask clarifying questions. What was banned was giving any form of direction or advice. Sounds straight forward, right? Wrong. As I listened to my partner (who, it must be said, did a great job of telling their story, even breaking into tears at one point), every fibre of my being wanted to offer advice. I wanted to jump in and help as I could. Yet helping in this setting meant fully hearing and understanding. That was crucial. We cannot help but give the wrong advice if we don’t know the whole story. And in many cases, feeling truly heard and understood by someone else is way more important than the advice we might give, especially in the middle of a crisis.
Next time you have a conversation with someone, maybe at church, trying listening a little more closely. Ask clarifying questions about what the other person says, showing that you are listening to the details. Get rid of any distractions; keep your phone out of sight. This attention and encouragement will transform your interactions with others. Without knowing why, people will enjoy speaking to you. And you will learn all kinds of things you didn’t know before.
The more you learn to listen and put this into practice, the more people will tell you. They will feel heard. You might have deeper conversations with your spouse or your parents or your kids. All it takes is some effort and the attitude to place others first.
Evangelistically, this is also a crucial skill. Listening to people’s views of life and God closely will help you understand what their specific concerns are. Take these concerns seriously. Ask why they think the way they do. Ask about their history with Jesus and the church. Listening will go a long way to understanding and also earning the right to speak when the time is right.
Pastorally, if you have a good conversation with someone where they have shared some of their life with you, understand that you have been trusted with something valuable. Pray about it, either with them at the time or later on (or both!). Ask them about it next time you meet; that shows you were really listening, and that you really care.
If we all listened carefully and well, our families would be closer and our church communities would be stronger. Try it this week.